Estisi

So I have a project and for once it doesn't involve being outside scraping my knees or knuckles. :D It involves a trip to the library cos I don't have all my books here, and lots and lots of scribbling.

This'll be fun.

To: pshelley@meridian.edu
From: scoleridge@meridian.edu
Subject: Nekkid fowl

So I said I'd do some crit pieces for you for the SmutBucket, any thoughts on what you'd like to see? Is it terribly gauche to take something from a rival zine and critique it or is that just sort of how this thing is done? Cos I'd kind of like to pick through one of the poems in the latest Bough if it's okay; it's probably a little too much for personal reasons but then again, as long as I'm honest with it my academic integrity will only be slightly tarnished as opposed to greasy and gross, right? Right.

Lemme know what you need; I can do a couple of pieces in time for publication, prolly, so poke me.

-Sammiekins

PS: Byron sez I'm not supposed to bang you unless we ask him first, and I know it's never really come up in conversation but I figure I'll just throw that out there so if it does we already know the rules. *g* NO GLOVE NO LOVE I should get it tattooed on my ass or something as often as he yells it at me.

To: mtwain@meridian.edu
From: scoleridge@meridian.edu
Subject: SKA

SKA BAND YAY DO I GET TO PLAY I know we talked about it but we never really got into it in depth but OMG SKA tell me I get to play this game I can kinda play some guitary stuff a little bit, my ex taught me some I can proooobably play a bass guitar? I mean it's basically just the rhythm and stuff, at least to start with I can try anyway. Or something. Or sing!

OMG SKA

-Sammie

I know this sounds kind of stupid but does anybody know where I can go to get a psychic reading done I mean not the whole Dial-A-Fraud thing but somebody local that won't try to get like seven credit cards and my checking account before they flip a card, you know?

It's important. Um. It's not for me. Sort of.

( Email to Omar )


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( Email to Byron )

He's awake. I left before he actually came to for really reals; no good letting him see me there like a worried hen.

but he's awake, at least. won't go see him. he doesn't want to see me, i know; he made that clear enough, whatever his reasons for it, before he pumped himself full of chemicals.

maybe he'll get his shit together maybe this time he'll scare himself straight

...don't hold your breath, joon. trying not to hope.

saw posters still need help? want to help. call me 2 brainstorm <3

i'm so glad my phone has a browser i thought about doing avoicepost but i don't sound too good right now anyway i'm at the hospital with benny and john only it's supposed to be benny an djoon, but i don't know yet if benny's gonna make it

i hate hospital kleenex. it hurts my nose.

anyway.

i was a total bitch last night to someone i've never met- probably to a lot of people i've never met- adn i'm sorry fo rmost of them. i ought to be sorry for all of them but i really don't take kindly to someone declaring the need to be 'uppity' at me via an announcement that they're going to refrain from doing so. gee thanks, don't hurt yoursel fon my account.

her dad's probably an all right guy but righ tnow anyone connected with byrons senior and missus can suck my plastic dick, kthx, sight unseen and if that's unfair o fme oh well i am not in the mood to be fair to anybody atm it's not fair that i'm sitting here right now, it's not fair that john polidori's been left to clean up benny's mess again (and not only that but apparently to handle all the legal and hospital issues too; seems the cheerful willingness to pass off one's duties concerns and problems to john is a family fucking trait and one that, if WHEN benny pulls through this, i intend to break him of); it's not fair that benny hated his family so much he figured offing himself was a better deal than coping with being related to them any longer and that goes not just for his parents but his useless half-sister too because i know she is involved in this up to her fake fucking eyelashes; none of this fucking situation is fair and so help me i am going to spread that unfairness just as far and wide and deep and broad as i can and that includes Miss Uppity's father, deserved or not.

I saw him before I left, the night before. I was coming back out of Bartos from talking to Jack and he was coming up the sidewalk and I almost didn't recognize him except he was carrying his guitar case and I'd know it anywhere and he almost didn't stop and neither did I but I had to.

I still dunno why.

We talked. A little; not too much it was too huge, that great big lump of everything that's happened just sitting there between us like a lead tumor and I was /so/ angry and hurt and I said some mean things.

But that's not- it-

I kissed him. Stupidest thing I ever did but I did it and I'm not sorry cos he-

He needs help. I can't help him but he needs help and I have to figure out who to go to that'll be able to help him cos I can't think of /anyone/ not John not Dot not Shelley nobody he won't let anybody help him right now he's killing himself and getting rid of me was part of it.

It was so hard not to drag him up to his dorm room and fuck him till he couldn't move and hope that maybe the stories about sex healing people have some kind of truth to them. But I didn't and he went inside and I stayed out and then the next day we all went to the farm for Thanksgiving dinner and that was weird and I don't want to talk about it yet.

Richard liked Jack, of course. He's hoping Jack's the new boyfriend but I don't think he likes me that way and anyway I don't want a new boyfriend I want my old one back although I think if Jack ever suggested a quickie against the administration building I would jump on it like a trampoline, but that's it. I like him, but I don't /like/ him like him.

Emma liked him too but she knows better. Emma always knows better. How does she do it?

And of course they both adored Frankie and Emma said they were so pleased to see me making girl friends too it's so good to branch out and I said what about Lettie and Dot and Jane and Emma blinked and said you've never really talked about them, dear, and we haven't met them but it just goes to show you how good it really /is/ to branch out and I just ate another cookie cos I can't argue with Emma it's like fighting with a lake you can punch and kick as hard as you can and connect every time but you can't hurt it and eventually you get tired and it wraps itself around you and sucks you in.

And Richard couldn't talk to me although he did try and I'm still mad at him. And finals are coming up. And I'm failing most of my classes. And Hemi's in the hospital. And everything is falling apart and I can't hold the edges together anymore and I'm thinking maybe I won't come back for the spring semester cos what's the point?

So yeah, the rumors are true and I'm going home for Thanksgiving and no I will not actually try to murder my parents or anything while I'm there I mean if I do that I don't get fed and that's sort of defeating the purpose of going home for Thanksgiving.

Jack's going with me. Hi Jack! Emma will feed you up all kinds of awesome and we will have to roll you home and if Richard tries to give you the hairy eyeball just ignore it he's harmless and whatever you do don't let Emma start in about her pottery class. Trust me.

I need a new goal.

What is it, six years of celibacy where you grow your hymen back, something like that; I think that's going to be my goal is to get my virginity back cos wasn't that a fucking waste and anyway I probably won't be using it.

deleted phone number from cell phone address book: check
removed from myspace friends page: check
removed from facebook friends wall: check
removed from lj friends list: check


if only...

so for a lot of reasons i'm canceling the astor investigation.

if anyone wants to use my gear they can i don't care just be careful cos it was expensive but the idea's kind of soured on me so i won't be doing it after all.

I talked to Emma. She drove up here to find me. Are you fucking happy now?

i tried to answer at your journal but it wouldn't let me i kept getting a 403 zomg-ur-not-spost-2-b-heer!1! error thingy but anyway and also that was really really really annoying to type out how the fuck do people do that?

puppies! puppies are- i should go play with puppies. yes. and what is this about needing someone cuter than you to win what? i haz confused. but fuck a sorority, whatever it is i'll help cos srsly fuck a sorority.

um.

wtf?

jeez. i don't- buh.

i wonder if it's too late to transfer schools or something

ok so i think i tagged everyone at some point but just in case i wanted to say something here so everyone knew: the ghost hunting thing didn't happen this weekend after all; the sanitarium director guy called me friday to tell me that a water main had busted and they had some flooding on a couple of levels and couldn't let anybody in till it was fixed and cleaned up for liability issues or some shit like that but anyway i rescheduled for this coming up weekend, saturday night, if you guys still want to go.

bring flashlights and if you have digital voice recorders bring those too and dress WARMLY cos there's no heat in the building and it's gonna be /cold/ omg the weather guy was saying maybe snow how cool is that?

we'll be there from about 9 till maybe midnight or 1; not too terribly long but long enough to give my kit a trial run and who knows maybe we'll catch EVP or image files. :)

To: elandon@meridian.edu
From: scoleridge@meridian.edu
Subject: LJ post

I'm not serious pls don't take it that way I posted it to piss off that jackass because I know it will did you know he fucking emailed me last night? He did. He fucking emailed me and didn't actually explain anything, just went on this fucking pity-me omg I'm such a terrible fucking person I'm awful for you how could you possibly love me go and find someone worthy of you and let me be a goddamned martyr self-loathing trip and insisted I find someone else to date, like, right now, except John. He had the FUCKING BALLS to DICTATE TO ME WHO I COULD NOT DATE after he fucking broke up with me and humiliated me, so fuck him.

I like John and all but I can't date him or anything so pls don't read that journal and be upset, k?

I love you babydoll <3 <3 <3

-sammie

________________________________________________________

To: jpolidori@meridian.edu
From: scoleridge@meridian.edu
Subject: LJ post

John I love you pls don't take my post seriously though I can't date anyone right now I'm just- I was furious when I posted it and I'm sorry. :(

sammie


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To: ehemingway@meridian.edu
From: scoleridge@meridian.edu
Subject: stuff

Hemi,

i need to hit things i mean really, really really fucking hit things really really hard pls tell me you can help me with this today im sick of crying and id rather do something violent

pls?

txt me if you can, k?

sammie

____________________________________________________________

Txt to Lettie and Jack

cant make it for shopping sry maybe lunch later? -sammie

That was possibly the most blatant piece of pity-begging I've ever read in my life and I don't know whether to be furious or laugh until I asphyxiate cos I mean srsly. Wtf?

Hey, John. Dating anybody right now? Want to?

I'm scared.

I've spent a couple of days being furious and I'm still mad but a couple of days have gone by and now I'm more scared than anything else something is wrong and the stupid fucker won't talk to me won't acknowledge me won't tell me why.

I am so confused.

And Emma keeps calling.

I don't want to talk to her. Or Richard.

I want things to be like they were. I want all of the last three months to not have happened and I want to be back in the summer in Greece when I was happy when we were happy and everything was normal my parents were normal Benny Byron and I were normal and happy and everything was okay.

Everything is not okay it's all gone to hell and I don't know why and oh God that hurts